Pegi mampus lah muka kau

There is some kind of dot that has been blocking my mind. I turned to deaf for my unheard voice, suppressed by my own opinion. I wonder what why are all the noises came trampling me down. Everyday I heard news, which is unforgiving. But most of all I am occupied by wanted things I've taken for granted.

His shallow identity keep on haunting me from the inside. Certainly we don't have a reason as to why this event took place. If I know he's the type that doesn't give two cents about anything, then what for I pushed myself thinking that I could change him? I'm even against myself. Supposedly I'm backing up my conclusion. He even have the power to bend the arrow right towards me back so it doesn't make him look bad. Stupid monkey.

Saving Humanity

It wasn't a normal day in the forest. Almost dawn when we both get there. My aunt and me, going into a spiritual journey. I told her I'll let her feast but also will dragged her down to earth. She was... Nebula... Inside a lost form of a galaxy. Very deep but not relaxing. I can feel her skin down under. It wasn't as quite I can describe to the norm people. They possibly wouldn't understand. Not all sees the perfect view of the nature. Except when they accept things surround them and look carefully what is actually going on.

I went to a journey, I told her. But she doesn't seem to be getting my point of view. She felt... Lost. Even God can't save her. As if.

And I want her to join me. Or maybe I'd be the one who'd hold her hands when she wanted to jump. It was about to go dark. A purple mash with blue, my always type of favourite. Seemingly serene but deadliest creatures lies in the depth of a certain part in the woods.

Crickets are sounding... Very calming. I tried to took her in my hands. But she just stood there like a broken doll. A Cinderella with no feet, don't ever know what she will do. She was inside a different world, I tell you. Daydreaming about her rescuing prince. Her life was suppose to be perfect, the life of which everybody wants. But she seems carelessly not to care. I tattled her with one of my tales. Then it's like unfitted puzzle when we exchanged talks. Been trying to give her a definition of what I understand about life, yet she seemed to shoved it away.

Back to the forest with her "gown". The trees are thin-stem, I could see blue in my eyes. So the trees were not shaky, just still with a camouflaged pattern on the bark. It was a tropical forest with mud as we stepped off from the river. Her Cinderella shoes became dirty already as she whined about it. While she tries to put off the dirt to the tree, I gave her my hand out in the open when I'm still holding on to the top of the river bank.

Her soul was pointlessly aiming at nothing. Does she wants to move? No. Does she wants to be saved? Don't know. All the things are done for her. Forever will be young, her heart cried out. I know... what lies inside that heart of hers. And it's not a nice one because it has been sealed by the epitome of the promised princess land of the kingdom. A modern fairy-tale. Beauty of youth will last eternally they say. They put this in your house.. beauty products, skincare, hair-dye colouring, cloth (lavish one). They say it'll make you look good. It'll make you feel young, endlessly. I thought I'd believe that. Well now not any more.

Argghhh... I want to scream out loud in my somewhat visionary woodland we are in, saying : A!! Get out from there! You are literally in utter danger!

As I've been here before. It was a dark black pool thick by the size of an ocean. It was always night there and the moon keeps on staring at me helplessly. I was in the middle of the sea, floating, alone, unforgiving of myself and others. Keeping things to myself was one of my kryptonite. Yet I survived. I'm beginning to think that these are the events of my life. Continuously coming back even though I have left the bits behind.

Now, to swim back through those oceans, so that I can come and pick up my poor dear aunt. She's stuck, in her own realm of dreams she keeps telling people about.

***** To Be Continued *****

Safer from the past

I have found what I would call a safer place from the distance of the past. For I have reached onto a better place in my heart what they called a stability but near to an end. An end of my younger days. My younger adolescent days. I have come to say goodbye to you, the little me. So innocent, so pure. Who could have known you would shake a soul or two. Who would have know that you were once amazed by the living skills of the art activists that now you are one of them? As yesterday I've seen the eyes of the pure, the innocent came by sitting next to me on the ground when I lay a handful of my piece. And it has been sold. It's been handed out to the world. Yet I feel nothing to the opposite of letting go.

Am I going to be shaken? Or am I going to be awaken? Who would do this for me? Hope is not on my side though I seem to get a side-eyed view from the crowd. Or am I just a mere coward? Based on what I am, still depending on the research of who I am. Who do I stand for? Not for myself? Who does the mother of all mothers stand for?

Their children.

As a girl who's turning head towards womanhood, I found it's immeasurable. Confused and dazed. Like no thing I can describe. "Inspiration has run dry" A commitment. An evolution. It's the same fucking thing. What do I have to fight for? Fight for the children? These are the things that I have to find out myself. A mystery. Too much of paying other people's attention and why do I even care? Because I care? Because you do? I had this blog, it was precious to me. I had everything a girl could ever ask for. I was a princess! Yes boasting self-loath is a must. Then what the fuck do I do for boosting confidentiality?

No guessing. No assumption.

Just presume. And be prepared, young ladies.

Regards,
Syndi Azrah

Discovering new territories (Hopefully)

Di balik pagi, aku berada di kalangan kalangan
di sudut kekosongan

internet.

Mengingati balik kepada
enam tahun usang nya bujang

I wonder...

Siapakah lagi di sebalik skrin

pada jam ini

Pasti ramai.

"Because I had to fake it, my dear Roselli."

It's been a year since I left my blog full with "spider webs and dust." It's time to renovate (if I had the tolerance to be patience for editing). Sharpening my writing skills and whining to the web. Clear all my doubts, delete all insecurities and enjoy what the people might enjoy. I had the feeling that the energy from my past and future is suppressing me into the present which I am in now. It's coming to- too good to be true. Because I've been thinking about how I used to express myself a lot by not knowing how others would feel and think. Now I feel nothing and this is a load of crap. What will I write to entertain myself and the readers? (if anyone reads). Now what would I feel? Is life not going to be interesting when I'm heading to motherhood? Or am I just scared?

I have lost everything.

Don't know whether it'll come back to me.